Just a thought:

I've been drowning for a while, but I think I may be starting to come alive again. Trying to see the world through Jesus' eyes.

Today is Ordinary

I've recently noticed that I am most often inspired to write in this silly blog of mine on days when I feel a flood of emotion, good or bad. I guess you could say I feel most creatively "inventive" on those days. Today is different, though. Today is ordinary. In these past few months, I have become completely obsessed with the idea that 'in order to lead a fulfilling life, it must be crazy, exciting and filled with daily wild adventures'. The discontentment in my hear was rapidly growing, and I figured it must have been because I was not living up to the standard of what my life should be. I was wrong to think that. I had become so preoccupied with the notion, that I didn't realize it was that very thought that was the poison in my system. It drove my dissatisfaction and disappointment. Within these last few days of solitude, I have figured it out. A calm life is also a good life. I think I have taken the "boring days" for granted my whole life.  I no longer want to seek an unrealistically adventurous life, because in that dissatisfaction and hunger, I lose sight of the true bliss and beauty in the calm. Of course I do want adventure, don't get me wrong. I do not want adventure, however, to the point that it blinds me from the splendor I am already surrounded by. So today is ordinary, and I am okay with it. 

Acknowledging the loneliness

It would be a lie for me to say that I am not fearful for these next eight days to come (this being a trial run for the dreaded two weeks I will soon face). With every single one of my best friends gone, i'm not sure what my days will look like. I have leaned on them so much with my daily needs, and for good reason; they are the most beautiful souls I know. It probably seems so silly, but I don't think I know who I am without them. Maybe its both a blessing and a curse, but the greatest curse. I am fearful, yet curious of the adventures I might stumble upon this coming week. Emphasis on the "fearful". As I am the type that thrives most when i'm busy & distracted, I pray that God will give me peace throughout the lonely times. I guess i'm looking forward to getting to know myself, with no interruptions- no matter how badly I yearn for those interruptions... I'm sure that i'm being dramatic- but until you have MY best friends, you may never understand. 

An honest post

I am constantly searching for what will make me happy. It's exhausting, to be honest. From one earthly comfort to the next, I seek contentment. I'm beginning to realize now, that none of that will give me what I'm hoping for. Momentary happiness is so fleeting. Today my heart feels inescapably lonely. Painfully tired and heavy. Not because most of my friends are out of the country & not because I feel like nothing will ever be the same, but because my heart has grown distant from the only One who will give me comfort and rest.  I no longer want to feel comfortable in my discomfort, or happiness in the temporary. Desperation is so unappealing, yet that is what I am. Desperate.

WHY.

Why Why Why..

Do I still want you? Is it just because I desire what I cant have? A sailor who is so painfully unavailable, thats apparently what my heart craves. Am I just lonely? I cannot tell. I wrote you a letter, quietly hoping you wouldn’t reply.  But you did. A part of me assumed that you would leave all of your words unsaid, so I wouldn’t remember how much I like them. I do miss the little things, they are so repeatedly provoked.  I know the pattern with you all too well, though. I gain a little hope, then inevitable disappointment follows. It stalks our conversations like a shadow.  That’s not the way it should be. Why then, do I still want you? My heart & my mind, they’re in two different places. AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. 

A Letter to be Sent

I wrote a letter today....

I wrote this letter with smooth black ink. As my pen ran across the page, light as a feather, I smiled. These words, they soared with thick black wings. They danced effortlessly in a line, with such graceful rhythm. I wrote with joy. I wrote with a transparent heart. These words I wrote, held every possibility.  “Who cares what they say”, I told myself. My heart found peace, in the words to be read. A sigh of relief escaped my throat, I was happy. No longer would chaotic thoughts be held captive, in this jail of a brain. My thoughts were free. What liberation.  

Temporary Hope:

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel that anything is possible

How could this be, when just yesterday I was masked by fear

Perhaps it was lack of faith, in the only one who comforts my soul

Perhaps it was my selfish thoughts, I cannot escape but

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel I can go anywhere

But is it just a lie, will I feel the same tomorrow?

The feeling seems so temporary, like the direction of the wind

The feeling seems so surprising, as if it were the first time I felt alone but

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel that God is on my side

This fact I cannot deny, and I never will

Why though, does He make it so hard to see sometimes

Why though, does He make it so hard for me to feel His presence but

Today, I feel hope

Today, I feel hope

Today, I will leave it at that.